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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29076297">if i do something wrong... push me away...</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NARWHALTALE/pseuds/NARWHALTALE'>NARWHALTALE</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Saiouma Childhood Friend Chronicles [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>I'm bringing those tags back baby, Internalized Homophobia, It's based on BMC, Kaede is Brooke, Kaito is Rich, Kokichi is Michael, Kyoko is Christine, M/M, Miu is Chloe, Mondo is Jake, Mutual Pining, Only features More Than Survive and Two Player Game, Oumoron, Practice Kissing, Rantaro is Kokichi's soda dealer, Saihara Shuichi Is a Mess, Saihara Shuichi is an ass, Shuichi is Jeremy, Sumb, Writing what I want to read, boyf riends - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 10:13:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,234</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29076297</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NARWHALTALE/pseuds/NARWHALTALE</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Be More Chill Boyf riends except it's Saiou and there's no SQUIP </p><p>         “I’m fine.” Shuichi replied, taking a deep breath. “Kokichi, this is going to sound really weird, I know, but can you practice kissmesoIcanaskoutKirigiri-san?” <br/>        Kokichi blinked. <br/>       “What?”<br/>       “Iknowitsoundsweird!” Shuichi’s demeanor changed immediately. “I-IJUSTNEEDYOURHELP!”<br/>        Kokichi sighed, feeling a heavy weight sit on his chest. <br/>	He wants to practice to kiss Kirigiri-san. Kirigiri-san. Not you. He’d never like you. You know he wouldn’t. You’re stupid for even hoping. You know he’d never love you. He feels nothing about you. He’s going to kiss you and feel nothing, because he just sees you as a friend.<br/>	Just a friend. Nothing else.<br/>	Just a friend.<br/>	Just. A. Friend.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Amami Rantaro &amp; Oma Kokichi, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Saiouma Childhood Friend Chronicles [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034895</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>75</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>if i do something wrong... push me away...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is bad and took too long, im sorry</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>Shuichi stared at his laptop in anticipation. “C-C-Come on, c-c-come on, go - go!” He hissed at it. How was he going to get his morning tug if it didn’t load??</span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, because his luck was non-existent, his phone’s alarm went off, meaning it was time for school.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi sighed and shut his laptop, wiping his hand on his shirt and pulling on some pants, a shirt, and a cardigan, as well as deodorant. He burst out of his room and into the bathroom. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gh - Uncle! Pants!” Shuichi squeaked, turning to the mirror and washing his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pretend we’re in the army!” His uncle replied. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I don’t go to the army until I’m like - eighteen! A-And I want to be a detective, remember??”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, right.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I thought you were driving me to school today…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just not feeling up for it today, Shuichi… Sorry. You can have that Kokichi kid drive you or something though, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H-He’s already on his way there, probably…” Shuichi sighed. Kokichi would probably pull up in his dumbass looking purple PT Cruiser if he asked, but he didn’t want to cause an inconvenience for his best friend…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll just walk.” Shuichi said, quite bitterly. He exited the house with his backpack and didn’t eat breakfast. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Should I take the bus, or walk instead?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Shuichi’s stomach began filling up with dread. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Okay, survey the options and be still.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He told himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And the bus passed. Nice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It seemed Shuichi was walking today.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed and slipped into a jog to the school. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first thing he heard as he approached his locker was Miu, Kaede, and Tsumugi gossiping. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, Hinata-kun told Owada-kun, I’ll only have sex with you if you beat me at pool. And then he </span>
  <em>
    <span>lost</span>
  </em>
  <span> at pool. Deliberately!” Miu hissed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That is so awesome!” Kaede replied. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kaede!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I mean slutty…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And then Hinata-kun was all like - “ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m telling the story, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shirogane!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, he is totally getting off on that…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ew!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi ducked his head. “I-I was j-just trying to get to my - “ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yo, Owada! What’s the story with Hinata-kun?” Kaito asked loudly. Owada snickered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, well, I shouldn’t say…” He could practically hear the anticipation on Kaito’s face. “But it’s a good thing I rock at pool.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey! Don’t touch me, weird-ass!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A-Ah, s-sorry! I was really just trying to get to my locker…!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt Kaito forcefully turn him around and write something on his backpack (that Kokichi had called emo). “You wash that off, you’re dead!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi turned around and navigated the dangerous hall. He noticed a poster on the wall. Avoiding all eye contact at all, he approached it and gave it a quick read.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh, it was a sign up for the after-school play!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a sign up sheet for getting called gay, and that wasn’t what he needed right now, so he crossed the hall and saw -</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kirigiri-san…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He unintentionally gave her the goo-goo eyes and he could hear Kokichi’s disgusted voice in his head - </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Yuck, you’re so love-sick for her that you never talk about anything else. We’re playing Danganronpa! Get your head in the game!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me, but it looks like someone wrote ‘boyf’ on your backpack.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wh - huh?!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi ran off and hid his face. Smooth. Very smooth. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m gonna be a virgin forever…</span>
  </em>
  <span> He thought wearily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He just wanted some skills to count on. Was that really that hard to imagine? Well - skills other than playing Danganronpa with - </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kokichi!” He exclaimed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi’s eyes lit up as he skipped over to Shuichi. “Shuichi, my body, how ya doing?” Kokichi sidled up to him, the contact making Shuichi flush again. He could hear the music blasting from his headphones from here. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re… listening to Brendan Urie again, aren’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course!” Kokichi chirped. “Who else!?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi sighed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We’re never really going to be cool, are we…?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, lighten up, Shu! We’ll be cool in college!” He nudged him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, sure.” Shuichi relented. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look like ass, what’s up with you?” Kokichi tilted his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… completely embarrassed myself in front of Kirigiri-san…” Shuichi mumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi scoffed. “Ew, females.” He rolled his eyes. “How’d you even do that? You can’t even talk to her!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi pulled his backpack off. “Boyf?! I-I d-don’t even know what that means!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi pulled his own bag off. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Riend?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The smaller of the two shoved their bags together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate this school.” Shuichi whined, slamming his head onto the table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lighten up, it’s just another gay joke at me.” Kokichi patted his back. “Even though you’re - “ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’VE TOLD YOU ALREADY, KOKICHI! I’M NOT! OKAY!?” Shuichi snapped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He regretted it immediately. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi pulled his hand away and dropped his bag onto the floor, turning to his grape slushie. “...’kay.” He said, quieter than Shuichi was used to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“W-Wait, Kokichi - “</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I get it. You’re straight.” Kokichi picked at his potatoes halfheartedly. Shuichi’s heart sank to his shoes. </span>
</p><p><span>“Th-that wasn’t - “</span><span><br/></span> <span>“You’re straight and I’m the stereotypical gay friend. It’s like Mean Girls except there’s no Regina George.” </span></p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Koki, you know that isn’t - “ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know its true, y’know. The way you look at me and everything. ‘Specially after I came out to you. You think we’re never gonna be cool, right? Well, if it matters so much to you, just drop me.” Kokichi got out of his seat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“N-No! Th-that’s wrong! I-I d-don’t - you’ve b-been my best friend since we were kids!” Shuichi broke out in a cold sweat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi had been his rock for as long as he could remember. He couldn’t even imagine his life without him. He couldn’t even remember a time Kokichi wasn’t there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“P-P-Please d-don’t go…” Damn it, Shuichi didn’t want to cry in this cafeteria… “I-I… you’re the coolest person I know, Kichi. A-And I - I want to keep knowing you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could see Kokichi processing his words. Thankfully, </span>
  <em>
    <span>thankfully, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kokichi sat back down. Shuichi let out a sigh of relief. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I’m r-really sorry th-that I ever made you feel that way…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s whatever, Saihara.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hedidn’tusemyfirstnamehedidn’tusemyfirstnamehedidn’t - </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why should I care about that anyway?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi blinked and heard the bell ring. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll see you later. My car’s in the same place as always.” Kokichi sighed and walked out of the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi’s heart was pounding as he walked into the parking lot. He went to the area beneath the tree and there it was, Kokichi’s purple PT Cruiser. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” Kokichi leaned against the driver's side door. Shuichi couldn’t read his expression as he approached slowly. “Thought you were gonna drop me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I - I would n-never do that. You know that, right? I care about you a lot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi muttered something that Shuichi didn’t quite catch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing. Get in.” Kokichi hopped into his side and the car roared to life loudly. Shuichi stumbled into his side and shut the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi clicked on the radio - which started blasting some other rather obscure band - and pulled away from the school. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi leaned his face on the window. His stomach hurt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi should’ve been rambling on about some ‘hot’ guy he met in class by now (which, for some reason, always made Shuichi’s throat and fists clench up). And yet, he was silent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wait. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Did I really make him feel like he’s not able to talk about that stuff with me?? No! This wasn’t what I wanted! Not at all! </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“S-Something wrong?” Shuichi asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi shook his head and continued his lack of speech. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s something wrong.” Shuichi decided. “Tell me. Or I’ll intentionally screw up the Danganronpa trial later.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...I feel like you don’t - like me anymore.” Kokichi admitted quietly. “Not as much as you used to, anyway. You always look like you’re embarrassed to be around me, especially if I say literally anything. I dunno man, it’s like you don’t want to be friends or whatever.” Kokichi pulled his scarf all the way up to his nose. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi’s heart pounded in his chest. “I-I - “ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s been like this since we got in high school. When I came out to you in the beginning of freshman year, you looked at me like I wasn’t the same person. You know that, right? It’s like you think I’m not cool anymore. If you don’t like me anymore, that’s whatever, just tell me that and leave I guess. But don’t lead me along with something you’re not interested in.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“K-Kokichi, no! N-No, that couldn’t be further from the truth! I - I still think you’re cool! I d-don’t think of you in any other way than I did before you came out, and I-I’m really sorry i-if I made y-you feel that way. B-But you’re still my best friend, you’re the most important person in my life, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right…” Kokichi turned back to the road. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi reached out for Kokichi’s right hand - he drove with one hand on the wheel - and squeezed it gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I care about you, Kichi. A lot. I-I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you at my side. A-And I-I’m really sorry i-if I d-didn’t m-make that clear. I-I c-couldn’t care less about your sexuality.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi wouldn’t meet his gaze, but Shuichi could see by the look in his eyes that he was elated by this information. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So like - there’s this guy in my class named Togami, and he’s kinda a dick, but he’s so hot.” Kokichi began. “He’s got this platinum blonde hair - it’s like yours but blonde, and he could probably step on me and kill me. And y’know, that wouldn’t be so bad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There it was, that squeezing feeling in his chest that happened whenever Kokichi talked about guys he was interested in. </span>
</p><p> <span>“That’s great, Koki.” Shuichi said, digging his palms into his thighs. </span><em><span>You should ask him out.</span></em><span> He wanted to say, except the words wouldn’t leave his mouth no matter how hard he tried. “I’m glad you like someone.” He managed to say. </span></p><p>
  <span>“Oh, no, I don’t have a crush on him or anything, I just think he’s hot.” Kokichi rolled his eyes. “I’m into shy and introverted guys, not assholes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A-Ah, right, right…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi’s heart fluttered in his chest. It was weird. Whenever Kokichi smiled at him the right way, or really just touched him, he got this odd sensation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How about you and Kirigiri-san? You really should ask her out at some point.” Kokichi said easily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Did Kokichi ever feel this way around Shuichi? Shuichi bit his bottom lip in thought. Probably. It was just a friend thing, after all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yeah, a friendship thing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I don’t think I’m ready for that.” Shuichi stammered. “What if I end up getting together and she tries to kiss me?? I don’t know how to kiss someone!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi shrugged and continued staring ahead at the road. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi got an idea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi had been in relationships before. Once with that stupid damn </span>
  <em>
    <span>Amami who didn’t deserve him at all, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and once with that asshole Kiibo that Shuichi didn’t really know but already didn’t like because he definitely didn’t deserve Kokichi or his greatness or his soft hair and smiles or the way his cheeks went rosy when he smiled sometimes or - </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi had to have kissed someone, Amami probably, that bitch. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He didn’t deserve to steal Koki’s first kiss, he barely knows him. He probably doesn’t know that Kokichi loves reading dumb fanfiction on Wattpad or that Kokichi’s got heterochromia or that Kokichi loves musical theatre or that once when we were kids Koki kissed me on the cheek once and my stomach and chest and face got all tingly - </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Moving on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe Kokichi could help him learn how to kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wouldn’t be weird, Shuichi was straight. Besides, they’d been friends for so long, it’d be only friendly. People in romcoms and theatre did it all the time! It’d just be another one of Kokichi’s gigs!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi squeezed Kokichi’s hand again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His mind drifted back to that stupid idiot Amami. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amami had dared to play with his best friend’s heart, lead him along, took him on dates to the ice cream shop </span>
  <em>
    <span>which was Shuichi and Kokichi’s spot, </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>kissed him in front of Shuichi which made Shuichi inexplicably mad</em>
  </b>
  <span>. And then came out with the fact that he just wanted to be friends. He could remember the drop of Kokichi’s face upon telling Shuichi, and remembered the unbearable sadness in his eyes that stabbed Shuichi in the heart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Whatever. Amami was just Kokichi’s friend now, he reminded himself. Their relationship was fine. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why am I so mad about this still? Kokichi let it go. Why haven’t I? This is stupid. This is as stupid as me still remembering that damn kiss from four years ago and getting that dumb feeling in my chest every time I think of it. Why can’t I just forget it?? It’s so stupid!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shuichi, you’re uh - crushing my hand.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“O-Oh, sorry…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi went red and loosened his grip on Kokichi’s hand. Kokichi rolled his eyes playfully. “Getting mad over Taro’s existence again? I told you, he’s ace. I’m not mad about that anymore, so let it go.” Kokichi sighed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“S-Sorry, I just - I don’t like how he lead you on - “ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, we’ve been over this. He didn’t know he was ace. He didn’t want a relationship with someone who wasn’t ace because he felt that wasn’t fair to them. He was just looking out for me. I’m not hurt over it anymore.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“R-Right, right… I-I don’t know why I’m still mad about it, honest. I’ll drop it.” Kokichi nodded and they pulled up to Shuichi’s house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Turn on the system, I’ll be down in a minute.” Kokichi said, stepping out of the car. Shuichi got out of his side and ran to his basement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> He clicked on the station and flopped into his blue bean bag. The controller vibrated to life in his hands, and he quickly selected his user. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With that, he opened the game and waited patiently for Kokichi. </span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So… can I ask you something, Koki?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi turned to his best friend. “What’s up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve - been in </span>
  <em>
    <span>relationships before.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Shuichi grit his teeth. “You - y-you’ve kissed Amami before.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay, dude?” Kokichi tilted his head at Shuichi, who was digging his nails into his thighs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine.” Shuichi replied, taking a deep breath. “Kokichi, this is going to sound really weird, I know, but can you practice kissmesoIcanaskoutKirigiri-san?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi blinked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Iknowitsoundsweird!” Shuichi’s demeanor changed immediately. “I-IJUSTNEEDYOURHELP!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi sighed, feeling a heavy weight sit on his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He wants to practice to kiss Kirigiri-san. Kirigiri-san. Not you. He’d never like you. You know he wouldn’t. You’re stupid for even hoping. You know he’d never love you. He feels nothing about you. He’s going to kiss you and feel nothing, because he just sees you as a friend.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just a friend. Nothing else.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just a friend.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just. A. Friend.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi huffed. “Fiiiiine, I guess you can practice your virgin kisses on me…” He let out a faux whine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sight of Shuichi’s eyes lighting up was enough payment, he thought. Even if it hurt, hurt so badly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi noticed the look on Kokichi’s face and frowned worriedly. “A-Are you okay? Do you not want to - “</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. It’s fine.” Said the liar, but it wasn’t a lie, because he wanted to kiss Shuichi, except it was maybe a lie because he wanted that kiss to be real. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure??” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, it’s fine, Shuichi. Just go ahead.” Shuichi bit his bottom lip nervously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“O-Okay. Let me know how I do after.” Kokichi nodded, seeing Shuichi anxiously reaching out for Kokichi’s chin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He leaned in just close enough for his hot breath to gently brush against Kokichi’s lips, and a light shudder danced down the smaller’s spine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I do something wrong… Push me away.” Shuichi looked him in the eyes, and Kokichi felt like a puppet on a string as he nodded. “Say it aloud. S-So I can hear it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you do something wrong, I’ll push you away.” Kokichi whispered, hypnotised by Shuichi’s eyes, which were a melted gold color beneath the flickery basement lights. He’d never seen this look in him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Shuichi blinked at him with his topaz eyes and with a touch as light as feather, stroked Kokichi’s cheek before pushing himself forward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi’s lips were soft. They were soft, and so were Shuichi’s eye’s, which were half-lidded. His fingers were soft too as they knitted themselves into Kokichi’s dark and unruly hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi’s lips were just a bit chapped, chapped and human, and Kokichi loved that about his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi’s lips were warm. Shuichi’s hands were warm too, especially when one of them gently brushed Kokichi’s hair behind his ear, and when the other one slowly rubbed his back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Damn it, Kokichi never wanted this to end.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi was the first to pull away. His face was red, and he looked away shyly. “S-So… how did I do?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did great, Shu.” Kokichi smiled at him, hiding the sadness in his eyes by closing them. He attempted to calm the pounding in his chest. “You did really great.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“R-Really?” Shuichi asked excitedly. “C-Can we try again? I-I really want to impress Kirigiri-san…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Sure thing.” Kokichi said, stifling a sigh. Purgatory. Fun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi gave him a small smile. “O-Okay.” Shuichi reached his hand out and jumped right into it this time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pressed harder this time, more eagerly. Shuichi pulled him into his lap, and Kokichi forced himself not to gasp as Shuichi tugged his hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Shuichi pulled away, his eyes widened, and he shoved Kokichi off of his lap. “I-I - I need to go to the bathroom.” He said breathlessly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi ran up the stairs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi set his hands in his lap and stared ahead. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Did I do something wrong? I don’t know. He seemed - weird. Is he okay?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Kokichi bit his thumbnail. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi returned down the stairs about five minutes later. His face was flushed, his eyes were seemingly foggy, and his hands were trembling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My u-uncle asked for you to leave.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi caught the lie immediately. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He doesn’t want to see you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Kokichi sighed, grabbing his backpack. “You’re sending me the answers to the homework later, since we were </span>
  <em>
    <span>supposed </span>
  </em>
  <span>to do them tonight.” He packed his old limited edition clear controller - that said ‘Apocalypse of the Damned’, one of the two’s favorite games - into the pocket and pulled on his shoes. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I’m busy tomorrow.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wh - okay.” Kokichi mumbled, knowing they’d never missed a Saturday to Sunday sleepover. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>First time for everything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...Sunday?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I’m busy Sunday, too.” Shuichi stammered nervously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dateline binge day? We never miss that!” Kokichi said incredulously. “You didn’t even miss that when you were at your grandma’s house, we got on a FaceTime, surely we can do </span>
  <em>
    <span>something?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“N-No, sorry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you even doing this weekend?” Kokichi asked. Anxiety was bubbling up in his chest. Did Shuichi hate him now? Did he do something wrong? Something was wrong with Shuichi, did Kokichi cause that?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I’m um - g-going to ask Kirigiri-san out.” Shuichi gave him a small smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right. Well good luck with that, Saihara-chan.” Kokichi pulled his bag onto his back and knew he played pretty dirty with the use of his last name.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“W-Wait, Kokichi, I - “ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi ignored him and walked up the stairs. </span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Shuichi Saihara had a problem. A </span>
  <em>
    <span>major</span>
  </em>
  <span> problem. A problem so major, in fact, that his detective skills couldn’t figure out a solution, could only map out the numerous reasons for this problem. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>1). Shuichi didn’t like Kirigiri-san as much as he thought. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>2). Shuichi was not straight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>3). Shuichi enjoyed the fake kiss, enjoyed it so much he wanted to do it again.</span>
</p><p><span>And the biggest problem? </span><span><br/></span> <span>4). Shuichi was in love with his best friend. </span></p><p>
  <span>He came up with these in the bathroom, when his lips were still hungry, and his body was still alight with excited sparks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, he wanted to kiss Kokichi again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His lips were full and smooth, and he tasted like sugar and cinnamon and sweets, and his eyes were closed when they kissed, and his hands were so gentle as they moved from his lap and rested on his shoulders, and it was so euphoric, as if it was all Shuichi’s life was meant to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed</span>
  </em>
  <span> to kiss Kokichi again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he had. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Except in that second kiss, he realized that if he didn’t stop, he never would.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he shoved him away and ran like a coward.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What a coward he was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No, he wasn’t busy this weekend. He just didn’t know if he could look at Kokichi without asking for another kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi wiped his eyes. His fingers came back wet. Oh. He was crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The detective sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The worst part about this? Simple. Kokichi didn’t love him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The thought made his throat squeeze up and a sob escape his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why would he like you anyway? You’re bland, uncool, you shout at him sometimes, you get overly jealous. Why would he like you, Shuichi Saihara, detective in training and class A idiot when it comes to feelings. Why would he like you?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Why was he so stupid?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ever since he was - what, maybe eleven? - ever since he was younger, any time Kokichi touched him, he felt - there wasn’t a great way to explain it, but it was a good feeling. It only got weirder as the two of them grew and Kokichi got hotter. Now, Kokichi could touch him and he’d feel like he’d been set on fire. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If there was any chance that Kokichi ever liked him, it was gone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi hugged his pillow, feeling the tears drip slowly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi’s phone chimed, and he reached for it quickly, getting his hopes up that it was Kokichi. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Big Bro Rantar-hoe: </b>
  <span>yo dude, kokichi’s worried about you</span>
</p><p>
  <b>the great shumai: </b>
  <span>who is this?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Big Bro Rantar-hoe:</b>
  <span> its amami.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>the great shumai:</b>
  <span> why are you dming me? where did you get my user???</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Big Bro Rantar-hoe:</b>
  <span> chill, ki gave it to me</span>
</p><p>
  <b>the great shumai:</b>
  <span> ki huh</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Big Bro Rantar-hoe:</b>
  <span> you do realize ki and i are still good friends, right? i’m not trying to win him back or whatever. i was literally the one to break up with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>the great shumai:</b>
  <span> yeah right mmhmm</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Big Bro Rantar-hoe:</b>
  <span> stop being a jealous simp and listen</span>
</p><p>
  <b>the great shumai:</b>
  <span> IM NTTO A SIMP </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Big Bro Rantar-hoe:</b>
  <span> sure sure</span>
</p><p><b>the great shumai: </b><span>NO</span> <span>THATS WRONG</span></p><p>
  <b>Big Bro Rantar-hoe:</b>
  <span> moving on. youre freaking him out. he texted me saying something like ‘you never miss a dateline’ or whatever</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Big Bro Rantar-hoe: </b>
  <span>ill just send the screen shot</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Big Bro Rantar-hoe:</b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>the great koki dough: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>help i think i did something wrong and i think shu’s mad</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Big Bro Rantar-hoe:</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> wdym</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>the great koki dough: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>he says hes busy and cant hang out at all this weekend, but we always binge dateline and sleepover on friday</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>the great koki dough: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>he aawn ted to practice kiss me orsom thing butg thn he ran up th edstairs and lid about his uncl e telling me to leav</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>the great koki dough: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>he proba,my hates me now hlp help ihre hats me</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Big Bro Rantar-hoe:</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> ko, you need to calm down. He doesn’t hate you. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>the great koki dough: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>we alwas wach dateline and play video gma es on friday and saturday he hate s me now</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Big Bro Rantar-hoe: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>Ko, you’ve been friends for years. He doesn’t hate you because of something </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>he</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> suggested.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>the great shumai:</b>
  <span> he got that… worried? Why??</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Big Bro Rantar-hoe:</b>
  <span> i cant tell you that, breach of his privacy. just invite him over and help him calm down.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>the great shumai: </b>
  <span>are you sure??</span>
</p><p>
  <b>the great shumai: </b>
  <span>amami????</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amami went offline. Shuichi sighed and moved to the server he shared with Kokichi - his idea, not Shuichi’s - and pinged him. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Chi: </b>
  <span>@Ki Plans changed, I can hang out this weekend.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Chi:</b>
  <span> if that’s okay.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ki:</b>
  <span> youre not mad at me???</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Chi:</b>
  <span> No! Why would I be?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ki:</b>
  <span> i</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ki:</b>
  <span> nvm. ill be there in like five minutes. get the system set up.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Chi:</b>
  <span> yEAH I’LL DO THAT</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ki:</b>
  <span> u h  -</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Chi:</b>
  <span> caps ;_;</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ki:</b>
  <span> you type like an old man</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Chi:</b>
  <span> I do not! That is completely untrue!</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ki:</b>
  <span> you’re so cute when you’re stupid</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Chi:</b>
  <span> Cute??</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ki:</b>
  <span> nvm</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shuichi, with a bright red face, turned on the gaming system and ran up the stairs to wait for Kokichi to show up, the same way he did when they were seven.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And eventually, that purple PT Cruiser pulled up to his driveway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He eagerly slammed his front door open and Kokichi walked in slowly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H-Hi - uh - Ki!” Shuichi stammered, suddenly forgetting how to get words out of his mouth. “You wanna play - AOTD?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Something wrong?” Kokichi asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“N-No! Nothing!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shusai, you can tell me anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m alright, Kokima.” Shuichi responded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi stared at him skeptically. “If I… If I make you uncomfortable, just… let me know and I’ll leave, okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi didn’t wait for a reply, he pushed past Shuichi and ran down the stairs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi turned around and sighed. He knew Kokichi wouldn’t talk to him about it until he was ready. So he’d wait for it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He followed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi flopped into his beanbag. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Apocalypse of the Damned!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Level Nine!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The cafetorium!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Find the bad guy, push him aside!” Shuichi started.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then move on forward with your friend at your side!” Kokichi nudged Shuichi’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a two player game, so when they make an attack - “ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“ - you know you got a brother gonna have your back!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then you stay on track and - “ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A zombie came dangerously close to Kokichi.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah!’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remain on course!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi shot the zombie that almost killed Kokichi’s avatar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And if they give you a smack you - “</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gah!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A zombie lowered Shuichi’s health, but Kokichi stabbed it in the back with a knife. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You use your force!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And if you leave your brother behind it’s lame!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cause it’s an effed up world - “</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“ - but it’s a two-player game!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C’mon, c’mon, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Kokichi!”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Shuichi hissed, getting low on health again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here, med-kit!” Kokichi tossed the kit and shot the zombie trying to maul Shuichi’s back in the head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” Shuichi replied sheepishly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No problemo, come on, we’re almost there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi continued forwards, and suddenly got clawed in the back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His avatar let out a screech, and Kokichi groaned and dropped his controller angrily. “Damn it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi sighed. “Next time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few hours later, Shuichi was watching Kokichi sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>NOT IN A CREEPY WAY!!!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi was just… peaceful, while he wasn’t awake. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi sighed longingly, his gaze dropping to Kokichi’s parted lips. Gentle snores exited his mouth and nose. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi lightly moved Kokichi’s messy hair out of his face. Kokichi’s button nose scrunched up, but his face relaxed after a tense moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He, as carefully as physically possible, pressed a kiss to Kokichi’s forehead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi stirred for a second, but he calmed down after Shuichi kissed him on the cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi, now bright red, smiled weakly. This was the closest he’d ever get.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d never get to kiss Kokichi on the lips again, he’d never get to feel his hands gently tug Kokichi’s hair again. He’d never feel Kokichi’s hands knit together behind his neck. He’d never feel Kokichi crawl into his lap and stay there like he was meant to be there. He’d never hear that inexplicably wonderful gasp that Kokichi made unknowingly when their lips touched. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi became a drug, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>God</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Shuichi was addicted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How was he going to get over this?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Actually, that was a box he’d open later. For now, his coffee sugar high had run out, and he wanted nothing more but to fall asleep with his arms around Kokichi. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he did.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Kokichi felt warm when he woke up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed happily to himself, wrapping himself further into the blanket. He felt long, protective arms around him, one under his side, one over his hip. They met on his upper thigh.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ah, sleepover days. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi loved and hated them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He loved waking up with Shuichi next to him, coiled around him. He loved waking up to Shuichi’s warm breath tickling his forehead. He loved being able to wrap his arms around Shuichi's back and burrow into his chest. He loved being able to pretend that he and Shuichi were a real couple. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hated that he had to pretend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he’d have to pretend, he’d pretend every day for the rest of his life until his inevitable lonely death or until Shuichi finally got tired of him, whichever came first.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi curled further into Shuichi’s arms. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he thought, observing his sleeping face. </span>
  <em>
    <span>And it’s not a lie. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kokichi stroked Shuichi’s cheek.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But you don’t love me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi sighed softly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He moved from Shuichi a bit and went to unloop Shuichi’s arms from around his waist before hearing a small whimper escape his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi tilted his head and went still. A satisfied sigh exited Shuichi.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ah. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi smiled quietly to himself. How cute. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He snuggled back into Shuichi and petted his hair. Such a pretty person, it should’ve been a crime.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He thought again.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mnn...Kichi…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi bit his bottom lip as Shuichi talked in his sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love… you, K...ichi.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi grit his teeth. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s dreaming, I can’t get my hopes up, he’s dreaming, he’s dreaming, don’t get your hopes up, he’s dreaming, don’t get your hopes up, he doesn’t love you. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He had to get out of here, he had to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi ripped Shuichi’s hands away from him and clambered to his feet, disregarding Shuichi’s tired groaning. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t get your hopes up, don’t get your hopes up.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ki...chi…?” Shuichi mumbled groggily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I have to go.” Kokichi stammered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“W-Wait, I-I have to talk to you about something!” Shuichi said nervously. “C-Can y-you stay f-for a minute?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His voice came out desperate, and Kokichi couldn’t deny him when he talked like that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just - fine. Make it quick.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi paused for a moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I… can d-do that. Probably.” Shuichi muttered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“J-Just…” Shuichi sighed. “D-Don’t… freak out. O-Okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“O...kay…?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… look, so…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi took a deep breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“D-Did y-you… feel something? Wh-when we - when we k-kissed?” Shuichi drooped his head in shame.</span>
</p><p><span>;</span> <span>“W...What…?”</span></p><p>
  <span>“I-I…” Shuichi bit his bottom lip. “I-I...I l-like you! Okay!? I-I’m not straightandI’msorryandIknowyoudon’tfeelthesame!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi started crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shu? Hey, hey - don’t cry!” Kokichi said frantically. He grabbed Shuichi’s face and wiped away the tears. “Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay.” He tried to soothe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not!” Shuichi wailed. “C-Cause I know I’m stupid and th-that you d-don’t like m-me in that w-way and you probably hate me now and - “</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did I ever say that I don’t like you like that?” Kokichi cut him off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“W...What…?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“L-Look, Shu… I-I… I really like you, okay? Y-You’re really great.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shuichi’s eyes went wide. “Wh-what…? Th-that’s -  “</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I felt something, Shuichi. I-I… really wanted to kiss you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait - really?! A-And it’s not a lie?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve liked you for a while, y’know.” Kokichi mumbled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C-Can I hug you?” Shuichi asked shyly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kokichi gave him a small grin and captured the taller in a hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wh-when am I going to wake up?” Shuichi whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You won’t. I love you, Shuichi. ‘Cause love is a two player game!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re already cheesy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You like it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stayed in that hug for a long time.</span>
</p><p>
  
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